


The Olenna Diaries

by JailynnW



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Brienne and Jaime crack, Brienne is the Best, Crack, F/M, Gen, I hope it will make you laugh, Jaime loves her, Olenna knows all, Olenna tells all, Pure Crack, and she loves him, crack!fic, this is silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-24 09:43:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20703917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JailynnW/pseuds/JailynnW
Summary: Olenna has been in the Red Keep for a while and she has a lot of thoughts about what happens in the castle. She is especially interested in the relationship between the Lady from Tarth and the Golden Lion of House Lannister





	1. The Red Keep is A Strange Place

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merrymaya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrymaya/gifts).

> This is a gift for my friend and beta, Merrymaya. This story has been bounced around in our conversations for months. It was a joke I said would be great to make us laugh after the horrible way season 8 ended. It brought us some laughs and I hope it does for you all as well. 
> 
> Merrymaya has a bunch of wonderful stories on her AO3 page. Please go read her work. She is super talented and will bring a smile to your face. 
> 
> If you like it, please let me know. I love hearing from you.  
\---------  
This is unedited and pure crack. And is a mixture of pop culture references and Westeros commentary

[](https://imgur.com/raHkOYv)

*******************************************

_**Entry-**_ This Lannister family is an odd bunch. I have seen Jaime hanging from Cersei's window after a night of EWWW. Brienne was under the window yelling at him that he should have at least put his pants on before climbing out of the chamber. Ain't no one interested in seeing this full moon. I believe her to be protesting too much. She was there with a sketch artist making sure the proportions were correct in the rendering.

_**Entry-**_ Oh my! Jaime fell from the ledge. Luckily Brienne was there to catch him. Her hands were very helpful indeed. He seemed rather awestruck by her strength and is now chasing her like a puppy. If this continues Cersei may have to find a new climber.

_**Entry-**_ Oh dear Brienne and Jaime have come back from a “sparring” session. I mentioned to them casually that she should invest in high collared shirts for a while and there is grass still in her hair. Jaime's neck is a little bruised as well. They should really be more careful when “fighting”

_**Entry-**_ Strange sounds are coming from the Maid of Tarth's chambers. It sounds like two wild animals locked in battle. Hmm. I think a the title of Maid is no longer right for the lady. Good for her. Get you some.

_**Entry-**_ Jaime has been strutting around like a proud cock just because _his_ cock got introduced to Brienne’s cunt. He really should have some class. Singing I’m too sexy to Brienne in the middle of supper is going a bit too far

_**Entry-**_ Cersei’s anger has been most amusing. It might not be wise to show her full color cartoons of her sibling’s adventures with Brienne but it was so fun

_**Entry-**_ Cersei looks like she has sucked on a lemon. I dare say she does not care for the taste. I started leaving lemons wherever she was as a reminder that when life gives you lemons... It was so rude that she threw one at me. Elder abuse. She is so disrespectful

_**Entry-**_ Jaime and Brienne are arguing now. It seems she left her smallclothes in his chamber and he will not give them back until she gives him something. I don't think he was expecting her to give him the finger and lock him out of her room. Oh dear, I hope she locked the balcony. If she didn't, I sent a message to her father. Best. Cockblock. Ever.

_**Entry-**_ Jaime is pouting. Tyrion has a bet going with Bronn to see how long it will take him to apologize. Both lost, the eldest Lannister son was on his knees begging within the day. Tyrion was upset that his brother couldn't last at least three. Bronn thought a week would be the correct time. Podrick won the pot which was 100 gold dragons. Such a smart little boy.

_**Entry-**_ Cersei should be thanking me for lightening her man count. I mean there are only seven days in a week and 24 hours in a day. One should not be on their back for that long. It can make the muscles weak.

_**Entry-**_ Just looked outside, Jaime is climbing into Brienne's room again. He is promising to let her sleep. We will see how long this promise lasts... 

_**Entry-**_ It lasted an hour

_**Entry-**_ Really are they part rabbit? She will be with child in no time. Tywin is cheering his son on from the floor above. Jaime is yelling back that he is ruining the mood.


	2. Olenna Explains it All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The craziness continues... and Olenna loves it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow thank you to everyone that read the first chapter. I really hope it made everyone laugh or at least smile. Thank you for commenting and leaving kudos. It really does mean so much to me. I hope these entries will make you laugh as well. 
> 
> Again all the love goes out to my friend, beta and support system: Merrymaya. Thank you for all the inspiration and for being someone I can talk with Braime about.

[](https://imgur.com/raHkOYv)

\-------------------

__  
**Entry-**  
Jaime was spotted stalking his “friend” today. It really is so sad that he can’t get his head out of his ass to see that he loves her. Brienne caught him and threw a rock at him for being so creepy and then kissed the egg sized lump on his head. They went back to her chamber… she said he needed some personal attention. Jaime agreed with his tongue hanging out like a dog. Pathetic

_**Entry-**_ They are loud. It’s very distracting. Must explain to them how noise can carry on these stony walls. The echoing of “Yes, Jaime, right there.” is not needed.

_**Entry-**_ I have to give them props on the stamina. They are still going an hour later. Did Jaime eat some of Davos’s fermented crab? Inquiring minds…

_**Entry-**_ And look, my presence already changed things for the better. Jaime fucks outside of his family. Plus ten points for smarts. Minus 40 for bad technique. Cersei will be harder. But it is only one day yet.

_**Entry-**_ I do worry about Tywin suggesting positions while his son fucks his "friend". And women on top is always best. I told them so. Margaery did not seem to appreciate me saying that. She rather likes the reverse knight

_**Entry-**_ Olenna for Queen. I can stop kings from living. Incest from happening. And Cersei from fucking.

_**Entry-**_ Oh Cersei is trying to out fuck her brother with Lancel. She has yet to step out of the family tree. Pity. The fuck match is neck and neck. Brienne is getting louder. Cersei seems to be losing. Jaime obviously has more stamina. That is good to know.

_**Entry-**_ By my score card, Cersei is down by five "Oh Gods" and six "Fuck me harder"s

_**Entry-**_ Tsk tsk, Cersei! Age does not become you. Not like me, still in my prime and still going strong!

_**Entry-**_ Lancel is tapping out and a new contestant is entering the fuck-a-thon. I will have to check the rule book. I don't think you can bring in a ringer. Jaime is calling foul. Brienne is asking for water and telling him to stop being a pussy. She is very competitive. I like her. She gets more points for that.

_**Entry-**_ Brienne is complaining about cramping in her legs but will not give in. Cersei has tapped out. She seems to be crying. What a wuss. And she thought she could be Queen. She doesn't have the right stuff to hang in when the going gets tough. Jaime is running down the halls singing we are the champions. This boy.... Oh he is naked. Brienne's artist did a fantastic job capturing the firmness of his buttocks. Tywin is asking pointed questions about when he should start planning the wedding and baby shower. Jaime is standing in front of his sister laughing at her defeat. Oh she threw a shoe at him.


	3. It's the most wonderful time of the year!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's holiday time in the Red Keep! Huzzah! Celebrations and gifts are being shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of you that have read this crack!fic. I hope it has brought a small smile to your face and brightened your day a little. Thank you for all the comments. I read them all and they make me so happy. You are all amazing!
> 
> ********---------*********
> 
> Special thanks to my partner in Braime crime, Merrymaya. She gives me the strength to post this craziness and has been an ally when I have felt down. I'm so thankful to have met her. She is a wonderful beta, a talented writer and an even better friend. Please if you get the chance, check out her page and enjoy her works!
> 
> ********---------*********

[](https://imgur.com/raHkOYv)

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__  
**Entry-**  
It is St. Florian's day. It seems appropriate that since we are celebrating a love sick fool I shall speak of another. Brienne has been taken to the Maester by Jaime because the love note he gave her made her laugh so hard she fell and hit her head. It seems the real “kingslayer's sword” lives in his pants... good to know.

_**Entry-**_ Sansa visited Brienne while she was with the Maester. They spoke of sword play. Brienne was quite surprised the Sansa was so interested, but the young warden of the North said that Tyrion was teaching her and he was very talented. Brienne looked very confused. She did not know he knew how to use a sword. She's so innocent.

_**Entry-**_ Brienne was heard telling Sansa that she can not believe Tyrion is better with a sword than Jaime. Jaime has plenty of training and has been a Knight for many moons. Sansa said that Tyrion also has had LOTS of training with his sword. Brienne was quite confused... oh dear I fear I must explain to the innocent Lady which sword they are speaking of.

_**Entry-**_ Told Brienne. She flushed very red and now can not look Tyrion in the eye- unfortunately where her eyes land makes her flush even redder.

_**Entry-**_ Tis the gift giving season again. Jaime has been in the spirit, giving all who will listen advice on how to _not_ be incestuous. Most look at him strangely as they are not curious about shaking their family trees for lovers... but Jon Snow seems oddly interested.

_**Entry-**_ Jaime gave Brienne a gift too. She blushed quite violently when she opened the box and quickly shut it again. She glared at her “friend” (they claim to not want to label their relationship- I believe they are being ridiculous. For the Seven Heavens's sake- they won the fuck-a-thon) all through dinner. Later, as I was causally walking by the Lady of Tarth's chambers I overheard a bit of yelling. It seems the gift he gave her was a pair of scarlet colored smallclothes with a lion's head over her honey trap and on the back are the words “Golden Lion's wench” in gold stitching. I must admit- I giggled.

_**Entry-**_ I will have to look into getting some for myself. I would love a pair green smallclothes with a gilded rose over my venus cock trap! It would be glorious! The stitching on the back will read “You wanna tap this?” I cannot in good conscious say spank that... but if the impulse arose...

_**Entry-**_ I definitely felt inspired by Jaime's giving spirit during this winter holiday and felt it only right to gift our gracious host a present as well. I talked with the craftsman this morning about the perfect gift. I am sure she will be pleased as can be by my generosity. It is true what they say, giving is much more rewarding than receiving.

_**Entry-**_ Cersei has received her gift! Oh I can tell the screams coming from her chambers are ones of true joy. I knew she would love the portrait of a blonde woman holding a babe in her arms with the Lannister cloak wrapped around her shoulders and the entire Lannister family standing behind her- the artist did a beautiful job capturing the look of worship on Jaime's face as he stares down at his cub... in Brienne's arms. So beautiful... so poetic... so pissing her off. (For the laughs my bitches!)

_**Entry-**_ Oh my smallclothes arrived as well! Huzzah! They will look fabulous on me.

_**Entry-**_ Jaime is grinning especially hard this morn and Brienne is a strong shade of purple. I suspect she may be wearing Jaime's present. Go for it, My Lady of Tarth. I have pulled her aside and told her giving is just as nice as receiving. She should look into getting Jaime something in appreciation for his gift this winter gifting season.

_**Entry-**_ I believe she took my advice and got Jaime something special. Oh the blushing in his cheeks is so humorous and I love the smile on Brienne's face. Once again as I was doing my nightly walk through the halls of the Red Keep, I overheard their conversation. Jaime was shocked Brienne would buy him such a gift, but told her he would wear the blue smallclothes that had crescent moons and starbursts stitched on them with pride... he did not understand why the back was so small and just a thin piece of material though. I chuckled to myself... he would see soon enough.

_**Entry-**_ Jaime is walking a bit strangely today. Brienne was smothering a grin. He was blushing very deeply. I overheard her whisper that his ass looked really great in those. Jaime winked at her and grinned... he walked much more confidently after that. I laughed quietly to myself. I love this time of year and this place. It's going to be a great day!


	4. The Bet and Selwyn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Red Keep is never dull!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all that have read, comment and/or left Kudos! That means so much to me and I really hope this chapter will bring a smile to your face as well. The Olenna Diaries have been a nice break for me. Silliness that can be over the top, but is hopefully something that will brighten your day.
> 
> \-----------------
> 
> As always a big thank you to my beta, Merrymaya. Without her encouragement and constant support, the Olenna Diaries would have stayed an idea in my head. She is the one to blame for the crack- she laughed the first time I wrote something! LOL
> 
> \------------------

[ ](https://imgur.com/raHkOYv)

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_  
**Entry-**  
_ Jaime, Jaime, Jaime... it is really not necessary to remind everyone that you have had sex with Brienne. The smile on her face and the sour look on Cersei's would have been enough. The cake sent to you sister that read, “I just had sex! With Brienne! HAHAHA!” was a little too much... Having said that, I approve dear boy because seeing her face turn purple- that was HILARIOUS!

_**Entry-**_ Tywin has a betting pool going on when Jaime's “super sperm” will finally fill Brienne's belly with a babe. It is up to 600 golden dragons. These men and their silly games! …. I believe I will place my bet on 3 moons from now.

_**Entry-**_ Brienne has been very cold with Jaime these past couple of days. It seems he found out about the betting pool and placed money down on 1 moon turn from this day. He has been trying to hedge his chances by fucking the young Lady whenever he can. She was not amused... she had placed her bet for 6 moons from now.

_**Entry-**_ Let us rejoice! Tommen is being crowned today with Margaery at his side. The couple look so sweet... my granddaughter is going to eat him alive! He will enjoy every moment. After all she learned from the best!

_**Entry-**_ Jaime has been locked out of Brienne's room again. They have been arguing for days over a nasty battle they were having in the practice yard. Brienne feels like he cheated quite blatantly. He did not feel like getting hard over seeing her sweat and pant worked to his benefit. She huffed that it did when he told her what he wanted to do to her with said erection- in front of their squires! He just laughed and said everyone knew what he wanted to do to her with his cock anyway. She locked the window this time as well as the door.

_**Entry-**_ Day four of the sex strike. Brienne is now not only torturing Jaime but all of us in the process. A horny Jaime is a snappy Jaime.

_**Entry-**_ Day six- rejoice the sex strike is over! Life can return to normal... I have not seen the couple for half a day... I do hope she stretched before she opened the door.

_**Entry-**_ Tywin has set up a band to play romantic music every time Jaime enters Brienne's chambers. This must be Tywin's moon in the betting pool- he is such a dirty cheater. ...I do wish I had thought of it. 

_**Entry-**_ Just sent Right and Left to go serenade the couple. For two brutish men, they have surprisingly soothing voices, even while singing _The Bear and The Maiden Fair_

_**Entry-**_ Selwyn has arrived! Hmmm. He is rather handsome. I do like my men hunky. He seems very confused about the situation between his beloved daughter and that rogue Kingslayer... and why Brienne doesn't train in the practice yard as much... I must inform him. It is my duty seeing as I am the one to send the raven.

_**Entry-**_ I have told him... he has taken to marching outside his daughter's door with a sword. Tywin is not happy. The band has been scared away on Tywin's month- insert evil laugh here

_**Entry-**_ I asked Lord Selwyn if he would like to enter the betting pool. It would be a grand way to get an heir and I have offered to back him if he needs a little coin... 8 moons is still available. He looked very interested. Men are so easy.

_**Entry-**_ I touched his arms- damn those islanders are built! Tywin seemed a little jealous. So many men... so many ways to divide my week...

_**Entry-**_ I have convinced him that an heir is coming so he might as well make some money- he has accepted and I loaned him the coin- I WILL WIN!!!!

_**Entry-**_ Showed him my chambers just as Tywin walked by.

_**Entry-**_ Cersei's very upset by Brienne's father being here. Too Bad! I have a date and a jealous Tywin. I'm Tywinning!!!

_**Entry-**_ I don't understand why it bothers Cersei so much people are enjoying life... I'm sure she can turn to someone... maybe … oh well, I'll send her some lemonade

_**Entry-**_ New smallclothes are coming out tonight!! 

_**Entry-**_ Cersei is so sour over her brother. It really is tragic. I should be kinder. I wonder if they deliver lemon baskets... as a kindness.


End file.
